1. If you feel lost in life, read the autobiographies of people you admire and see what they were doing at your age. (Nick T., my summer 2015 roommate who lived with me in the rugby house and is a notable lover)
2. You are not a number. You are not your GPA, your social security number, your tax bracket; You are worth so much more than that. You have a great sense of humor. (Mr. Crawford, my 11th grade economics teacher when I panicked over an exam)
3. Have courage. And be kind. (Cinderella, 2015)
4. You’re black. People will sometimes assume you are dumber, less eloquent, less than them. In situations such as these, do not feel bad for yourself. Pretend that you are better than everyone in the room. It will lessen the pain and you can continue your day. (My 77 year old father who grew up in the Jim Crow Era)
5. The 5 P’s: Preparation prevents piss poor performance (My 77 year old father, on the subject of hard work)
6. We live on a floating rock that circles a big ball of fire. It is all a magic trick. You are going to be okay. (Me, to myself on every occasion where my heart is broken or my anxiety takes over)
7. Baby girl, do not let a nigga half love you. (origins unclear, on the subject of boys and the love I deserve)
8. No does not mean “convince me”. (origins unclear, on the subject of sex)
Category: Lists of Important Things
Me, 2016.
It has been a long year. I have changed. You have changed. I hate line journalism, but I cannot consistently be so pretentious; So here is a list of things I have done this year and/or things I learned I would do if given the chance:
1. Ghost my husband
2. Start dabbling in dark magic with my best friends to raise my GPA
3. Run a 5K in Yeezys, not realizing they are not meant to be running shoes
4. Say “let’s get riggidy, riggidy wrecked, son” un-ironically
5. Assume everyone in a thick choker necklace enjoys anal
6. Quote Sex in the City to try to comfort someone after a loved one has died
7. Aggressively send Venmo reminders for someone to pay me back even when I owe that same person money
8. Google if I am an alcoholic, as I drink Merlot
9. Ask the white men at the country club who regularly refer to black people as “the coloreds” to update their racism
10. Take a stock photo of a beach from google, post it on Instagram (pretending I took it), and then pair the photo with an inspirational quote
11. Share my controversial opinions at dinner and subsequently ruin a nice dinner
12. Pray for North West
13. Pray for Kim Kardashian-West
14. Turn my back on Kanye West
15. Call up the guy who sells me my wine and ask him out on a date
16. Get really, really drunk at a bar and try to earnestly explain to the friends’ of a guy I used to casually date 2 years ago why I am still heartbroken (if you guys are reading this, your friend is still an asshole and I am still in the right and not crazy at all)
17. Fly into the eye of a hurricane for a party in Miami (Hurricane Matthew, what’s good?)
18. Try to seduce a professor with my gaze (spoiler: it just looked like I was paying attention and I ended up taking really good notes)
19. Sitting in an Uber while I painfully watch the person I was pooling with open the car door and end up being someone I lied to about being out of town that weekend
20. Have sexual fantasies about Donald Trump accidentally dying in a freak accident from auto-erotic fixation, as I eat a whole pizza in the background
Seriously, it has been a long year. Cheers to 2017.
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