Me, 2016.

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It has been a long year. I have changed. You have changed. I hate line journalism, but I cannot consistently be so pretentious; So here is a list of things I have done this year and/or things I learned I would do if given the chance:

1. Ghost my husband
2. Start dabbling in dark magic with my best friends to raise my GPA
3. Run a 5K in Yeezys, not realizing they are not meant to be running shoes
4. Say “let’s get riggidy, riggidy wrecked, son” un-ironically
5. Assume everyone in a thick choker necklace enjoys anal
6. Quote Sex in the City to try to comfort someone after a loved one has died
7. Aggressively send Venmo reminders for someone to pay me back even when I owe that same person money
8. Google if I am an alcoholic, as I drink Merlot
9. Ask the white men at the country club who regularly refer to black people as “the coloreds” to update their racism
10. Take a stock photo of a beach from google, post it on Instagram (pretending I took it), and then pair the photo with an inspirational quote
11. Share my controversial opinions at dinner and subsequently ruin a nice dinner
12. Pray for North West
13. Pray for Kim Kardashian-West
14. Turn my back on Kanye West
15. Call up the guy who sells me my wine and ask him out on a date
16. Get really, really drunk at a bar and try to earnestly explain to the friends’ of a guy I used to casually date 2 years ago why I am still heartbroken (if you guys are reading this, your friend is still an asshole and I am still in the right and not crazy at all)
17. Fly into the eye of a hurricane for a party in Miami (Hurricane Matthew, what’s good?)
18. Try to seduce a professor with my gaze (spoiler: it just looked like I was paying attention and I ended up taking really good notes)
19. Sitting in an Uber while I painfully watch the person I was pooling with open the car door and end up being someone I lied to about being out of town that weekend
20. Have sexual fantasies about Donald Trump accidentally dying in a freak accident from auto-erotic fixation, as I eat a whole pizza in the background

Seriously, it has been a long year. Cheers to 2017.

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